Sometimes my head wanders through a dark place. Like right now I was thinking, why are we all so afraid to die. If we all get the virus and die right now, then that will be good for all of us. That will be the end of our journey and suffering, if any.
So, why are we so afraid to die now?
It’s because of the people we will leave behind. We worry about them. How will they be when we are gone.
Personally, I don’t want to pass on before my daughter because I don’t know who would be compassionate and loving enough to take care of her. I am not sure if there will be anyone out there who will understand her the way I do. How will she be without me! That’s my tortutre to myself and my thoughts can go on and on deep into the very darkest places you can ever think about. It’s ugly .
So, yes, I don’t want to die soon and now. If it’s just me I can go anytime , but because of my daughter , I have to survive.
I’m solid, says my boyfriend.
I don’t know if I should be proud that he thinks I am that strong of a woman. I have weakness and fears all buried deep in me and I’m too afraid it will all come out all at once, as soon as I snap. God knows, where or when and how, but I hope I am really that “solid”.
Before the lockdown, I only have limited people and places I see and go to.
It was a personal choice because of the terrible terrible traffic that takes away half of our lives stuck in the streets patiently waiting to go to work or go home.
The enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) was a good thing for families who are always apart because of work, school, travel times. It has brought us closer to the ones we truly care about. Our reason for being.
When the lockdown was ordered , it was not news to me because the groceries, pharmacies and restaurants are still open. Those were the places I normally go to anyway. But that’s just me the extroverted introvert.
I feel bad for my daughter who can no longer enjoy our long walks in the neighborhood. She can no longer come with me to do the grocery shopping. It used to be our favorite bonding time. Grocery shopping used to be therapeutic for us. Now it’s just a chore.
Daughter and I can no longer go to the mall and play in the arcade or eat out because the malls are shut down. With the ECQ only one per household can go out do the shopping.
All the fun things my daughter and I do outside together were taken away from us because of the ECQ.
The swimming pool in our condo and every common areas were also shut down because of the physical distancing aka social distancing. My daughter used to swim everyday, now she can’t , which sucks! Pool has chlorine anyway they could have just allowed a limited number at a time in the pool. Even the jogging path is closed.
The only place my daughter can enjoy the sun is our fire exit.
Don’t they know we all need the sun? Without the sun we will all get gloomy and dark and more depressed !
For now, I can’t think of what I would like to do when the lockdown is over. What I wish and pray for is that the virus gets contained soon , a cure gets found soonest , and all of this uncertainty ends.
I know it will be different from now on. Everything will be different after this. There might be more germophobes after this. People would be a bit more like doomsday preppers. We will be more careful with what we eat.
Maybe it’s time the government starts fixing the public transportation now while there’s nobody riding yet? The Metro Manila traffic jam is inexistent right now and we all wish this will be the one that stays. I wish this one to stay. Less traffic , less pollution, less stress.
Today, the 15th day if the Covid-19 lockdown , I feel unsure. I’m happy because I spend more time with the people I love but I’m a bit restless if this ECQ will be extended , where will I get funds when everyone who owes me money said they will pay me after the lockdown and the people I work for won’t have money to pay me to give me work anymore. The government does not give financial assistance to freelancers like me. Where do we turn to?
I hope and pray everything ends as hoped for . I wish for a rain that can wash all these virus away.
How are you all holding up?
Yesterday,. I asked my blogger friends to write about their thoughts, feelings, realizations and experience now that we are on the 15th day of the Covid-19 lockdown . I invited them because to me, writing keeps me sane.