It’s 3am I should be sleeping but I can’t my mind still racing, wishing, hoping, dreaming awake.
I was described as mysterious, for someone who doesn’t know me well that could be a very easy assessment of me. I don’t let my guard down, I don’t talk to strangers. Hell, I don’t even do small chats with acquaintances. If I’m not spoken too I don’t talk. Well it depends in my mood if I’m on a high I might initiate the talk but if I’m so so well don’t expect me to do small talk. I don’t open up too easily it takes a little more time to warm me up. I am kinda paranoid, trust no one, as Fox Mulder puts it.
My being mysterious can be judged to being arrogant, self-righteous, big headed, overconfident person. That may be right too I know myself very well and what I can do, I know my limits.
I know what a joke is and well I’m a very shallow person, I take pleasure in small thoughtful things. But someone said I’m so serious. Probably that adds up me being self-conscious or anal. If you have heard about jokes are half meant then you will get my drift.
I’m also described by men who desires me (LMAO!) that I am cold! Well I don’t flirt back when they flirt and I shut them down when they are moving into an uncomforable and compromising position. I simply don’t flirt. Even if they say it’s harmless it’s not in my nature to do so. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to be flirty but I just can’t!
I’m just blabbing. I just miss talking for hours or not talk but just look at someone while I do my things.
I miss my innocence. I miss working full time. I now fully understand where my bestfriend Christine is coming from tied to the house full time homemaker taking care of the kids and being domesticated. Well I rarely do much at home but just be home. My presence kinda sooth my mom and my daughter. Trapped in the middle, I could work if I want to or if I can, I don’t find it hard to get a job offer, I have actually turned down a number because it won’t fit my mom’s whim.
My mom is a Gemina so she is kinda easily flips from one decision to the other. One minute she agrees the next she doesn’t like. She actually makes me crazy more often than not. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom so much it’s just that she drives me nuts with her negativity and her unstable mind. Like we can have a baby sitter “IF” she likes, but she rather not because she don’t want to be the one to worry about the sitters needs or whatever she thinks she have to do for the sitter. You can’t reason with her either, she will think you are defiant and unappreciative. She is good at emotional blackmail and being so negative. When you talk back to her she will tell you that you don’t love her and that she would like to die or disappear.
With my mom’s caprice, she won’t even allow me have my way raising my own daughter.
She would tell me that I’m a bad mother when I don’t easily give in to Tasha’s tantrums or manipulative ways. She would always say that as long as she is alive she won’t allow Tasha cry long even if she was in the wrong because we won’t give in to her bratty ways.
My sis would tell me leave the house entirely, to move-out so I can do my way with Tasha, and tame her spoiled behavior to make her self-reliant.