For My Papa On Father’s Day

I envy those who have close relationships with their Dad (but not that kind of evil envy ok?) I just wish me and my Papa had a better relationship than we have now. To tell you all the truth I am never close to my father. There are only few incidents and occasions I could remember that I wish lasted longer but well those were just snippets of the past and are all memories I will treasure forever. Those are the moments I could say even for a bit I had a father.

No, my father is not dead yet, he is still here living with us. But just as he is he doesn’t talk much, we don’t talk much. He just sits there on his corner sipping his brandy every now and then as soon as he opens his eyes in the morning. His breaks are his nap times any time of the day and for the duration of the night when it’s time for a longer sleep. He doesn’t dine with us, only on several occasions but not always.

Just a couple days ago he wasn’t feeling well, he was like that for a week and so since he is old age and all I don’t mind doing stuff for him. I bring him his food day and night, water and drink and check him out from time to time if he needed anything. I think now I already forgiven my father but since the fear has been imbibed in me since I was young it’s hard to get rid of that. It seems like a habit or a norm. I do things for my dad because he is my dad and despite the odd relationship we have I still love him despite the gap we have because of the fear I developed about my father.

My childhood memories are all gloomy about him. I can’t forget the day when he was chasing me with a 2×2 strip of wood (thank God no paddle during that time or who might have guessed what could have happened!) around the neighborhood. I forgot what I did already but I can still remember he was chasing me and he was really mad. I was a very mischievous kid back then; my playfulness led me to two (2) stitches on my head on two (2) separate occasions. The first was when I fell off a jeepney while playing with my playmates in kindergarten, the second I got when I fell from our stairs. They attribute my craziness and weirdness sometimes to the stitches I got that damaged my head they said for life (hahahaha!)

There was also an incident my mom couldn’t forget when she coming from work saw me crying and all scared hiding our dining table because my father had his belt with the buckle ready to be smacked to any parts of my body it could get.

The last incident my dad ever laid his rough hands on me was when I was in third year high school. I was invited to be an emcee to a church event and the event was running late, well not so really late but to my father, who wasn’t used to it got all mad because I am not home yet at 9pm so he went around the church looking for me. I saw him from the stage and he was all screaming. To prevent further embarrassment I begged my way from emceeing and find my way a different path to our house so as to hide from my dad.

When he got home and found me there he again got a piece of wood and his belt and smashed me with it. I had bruises on my body and all I could do was run away from home and go back to church. I don’t remember where my mom was then but I think she wasn’t home or else some ugly thing would have happened.

I grew up scared of my dad. He wanted me scared of him I think. I don’t know if he wants me or not but I felt that he doesn’t like me at all. His favorite was my older sister and my older brother. When my brother disappointed him for being caught up in a mess at the PMA (Philippine Military Academy)he became a drunkard.

My older cousins were telling me my dad is a real strict dad, even to them when they were little. He is the typical Hispanic type dad all conservative and strict and some kind of a macho type kind of father.

Wow, I already told all of you my history. I did this to remind you all that if your dad is not like mine you are very lucky and you should treasure the moments you have with your father. I wish me and my dad had a better relationship really I am trying but the stain is permanent already.

I am very regretful (my heart bleeds every time I think of it) too for having put up my daughter with a similar situation as I had. Well not similar but just on the same light, not having a father around. I just wish that my mahal would be a father to her to fill out the empty space in her life and in my life as well. Wow this is a heavy topic I am writing.

I wanted to wish my dad a Happy Fathers day. I always do even its not as heartfelt as I greet my mother. I must admit I love my mother more than my father. I always thought is my father happy?
Anyway, I am not done yet I have an essay to share with you, it’s about Forgiving my Dad, forgot where I got it but it’s about a child having similar situation as my daughter, being raised by a single mom and here it goes:

Sorry guys for this tear-jerker. Anyways to all Fathers in the world Happy Fathers’ Day! Keep up the good work dad’s because your role in your kids life is very important!