The Wicked Mother and My Evil Twin

I’m not a perfect wonderful all happy sweet mom jeeez I am way far from being that. I have my flaws, ups and down and frankly I think I am still not doing the best I can to raise a better person than I am. Come to think of it I believe I am an evil mother, if you can even call me a mother after reading all I have to say.

Sometimes I wish my daughter was never ever born. Why did God made it possible for her to exist when all she will encounter is suffering or discrimination and difficulty because of her developmental problems. Not all people can understand her, I and my mom and all the people who care for her will not be here forever for her. It worries me a lot if I will go before here and that no one will be capable of coping with her.

Her difficulty to express what she need and want frustrates me. Even I could only keep with so much and that my pity for her difficulty expressing turns into anger and I don’t handle her stress very well as much I can handle mine.

Sometimes I wish I never had a daughter or a kid at that so I can still have the comfortable, fun, spontaneous, fulfilling career life I used to have before her. Since her, I have missed so many opportunities that I dreamed of because she is now my priority not me or my professional dreams. If she wasn’t born I can still do whatever I want, period. No need to worry about anyone else weaker and needier than I am. Selfish as it sounds, I feel I have lost myself now that she is here, my life as I know it is no longer mine, my life is hers.

Reading all of that I should be shot at close range, or maybe better a firing squad. I am such a wicked heartless monstrous person to even think about this about my daughter, my own flesh and blood. It’s like I turned out to be the heartless Aunt I used to regard so high, but lost my respect for her after she told me to just take my daughter to a home and leave all the caring to the experts, those who know how to deal with her kind.

Well, I am no saint. I can’t give her everything. Especially when she is all fussy and doesn’t want to sleep and all hyper. Like you just want to bonk the kid on the head so she go sleep (very violent!). Don’t blame me anyone who become as irrate, annoyed, sleepy as I am during those times can actually shoot anyone just to get some sleep!

I know, she is different and I need more patience than the average, like patience of a saint! She is as innocent as innocent can be and she didn’t ask to be born. So it’s all my darn furking fault, I wish she wasn’t born that way, I wish I wasn’t that dumb taking the plunge with her non-existent biological father, the sperm donor, taking a responsibility of a lifetime and become a mother.

I am so wicked, very wicked. But don’t blame me, this is actually my evil twin speaking, she awakens when I don’t get much sleep, errr, if I don’t get sleep. Yes, blame my evil twin who is typing away right now, wanting to kill anyone in sight!

I am trying to temper her down really, we watched The X-files The Movie on DVD today (shhhh I got a pirated copy) so she was distracted for a couple hours. The movie wasn’t as good as the TV series that I faithfully watched every Monday nights of my college life (that’s the airtime here in RPN 9 more than 10 years ago).

Anyway, if I don’t get a decent sleep tonight, my evil twin may take over and this blog will be back again to where it all begun, bitchy, PMSing tone.

Did you know that without adequate rest, the brain’s ability to function quickly deteriorates. See it’s because the brain works harder to counteract sleep deprivation effects, but operates less effectively: concentration levels drop, and memory becomes impaired. Yup memory becomes impaired and I will forget that I have a daughter and that I am human!

Similarly, the brain’s ability to problem solve is greatly impaired. Decision-making abilities are compromised, and the brain falls into rigid thought patterns that make it difficult to generate new problem-solving ideas. The easiest way to resolve a problem for my evil twin is to get rid of the problem. Scary huh?

Insufficient rest can also cause people to have hallucinations. My evil twin hallucinates that everyone is out to get her! Paranoia like Fox Mulder on the X-files the series, the Fox Mulder on the X-files the movies is kinda different really. From paranoid he is a believer of all things. His “Trust No One” mantra disappeared being in isolation for more than 10 years and living with the still ever logical Dana Scully.

Other typical effects of sleep deprivation include:

* depression – check
* heart disease – I don’t know yet
* hypertension – yup got that one I believe
* irritability – oh yes! I am a walking land mine
* slower reaction times – uhmmm… maybe I don’t know
* slurred speech – hmmmm… I don’t think so, ask my mother
* tremors – what tremors? vibration or vibrator? hehe!
* http://www.sleep-deprivation.com/articles/effects-of-sleep-deprivation/

Well I get three and a half out of seven, is that good or bad? Oh well, whatever. I just need to sleep, long uninterrupted, restful sleep that I am deprived more often than not.

Would it be a consolation that despite lack of sleep I still look 20 and fresh? Whatever, like you care.

Argh! Am I the only one who feels this way?

Here's something else you can read

10 Comments

  1. i feel the same way sometimes.. nakakinis na kse tlga minsan diba?

  2. hi earth!
    Well, I have to admit I was a bit surprised when I read the “I wish my daughter was never been born” bit. lol
    but as I read on, I completely understand. It’s not that I wish the same about my daughter, but I understand.
    Because you see, you can feel the same way about everyone you have a real responsibility for. For me, it’s not my daughter, but I am a carer of someone. It can be exhausting. People do not understand unless they know how it is really like. I feel the same way for this person.

    Bottomline, you don’t give up because there’s too much love.

  3. ah – tsaka kursunada ko itong bagong pagkakalatag ng iyong ah pakset ano ba tagalog ng blog?

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