I saw a video posted by Daily Mail UK on Facebook earlier and it broke me down. It was a video of a guy and his mother who is suffering from Dementia. His story was so like mine, but mine was worst because his mum can speak understandable words. My mom have a language of her own, garbled made up words, she can only understand herself.
His mum like my mom looks physically OK but inside they are all messed up. Everyday, for the past two years, my sister and I die whenever our mother can’t even tell who we are , what our names are and who she is in our life. Everyday we die. It hurts and it is so frustrating you can’t just help but get mad because you are helpless.
Like what the lady said in the video, she thinks she knows him but don’t know why or who he is. She think he looks familiar but can’t remember who he is and what is his name. A very familiar situation to me and my sister. I think my mum knows who we are by heart. But her brains no longer have the “data” to process and tell her who we are.
The brain is such a big mysterious crazy piece of our being. If it’s taken away from us are we still who we are?
Dementia, for those who are inclined to technical/ gadgetry stuff. Is like a memory stick or USB that got corrupted with virus. To fix it or so you can still use the memory stick or USB you have to defrag and reformat it. In the process of reformating, it loses all the past memories stored in there. The memory stick or USB may still be useful but it does not have your old files anymore, it was wiped out, gone, deleted, lost somewhere in space. This is what Dementia is like in my observation.
When our mum acts as if she knows us but can’t tell who we are. Was it her heart telling her that we are close to her and we are an integral part of her life? Does the heart remember what the brain could not?
Looking back to my years of blogging. I remember one of my reasons for doing so. Because I want to remember things I did, my life experiences if ever my memory fails me. I always have this fear of memory loss this was brought back by the temporary amnesia I have experienced in highschool after getting very ill.
I have forgotten so many things from our childhood. Having forgotten people and experiences in your past is terryfying. Although forgetting bad experiences or people is not a bad thing at all (IMO).
Because of that I try so hard to remember everything. I wrote in my journal. I made this blog.
If you are experiencing the same. I know what you are going through. If you need someone to talk with or share your experiences and fears. Please share away. Let this be your sounding board. I feel for you.