dear self

Dear Self, This Too Shall Pass + 3 Beings I’m Thankful for In My Prayers

Dear Self,

How have you been?  It’s been more than a year that you’ve turned into a hermit and look at you surviving.  All your anti-social skills have been put forward and now it’s ok to distance yourself, emotionally, physically, and financially from everyone who will bother.   I know that sounds cold and distant but that’s all there is for now as we are all still trying to survive this challenging life in the age of the pandemic.

Honestly, I’ve been feeling the Zoom meeting burn-outs.  During the first few months the world tried to live the new normal, seeing, hearing, and interacting with relatives, friends, colleagues, and strangers via Zoom was refreshing.  It was fun back then when everyone genuinely just wanted human interaction.  It was great to see people you normally see when we were not physically distanced from each other even just through a computer screen.

But as time goes by, it became so dragging and draining when everyone was muted, or cams were turned off so as not to distract the event or the main purpose the online event/meeting was organized.  Zoom meetings have become long and they only talk amongst themselves and you are just an onlooker, an audience, a number, a viewer. I could have said a warm body but were not physically together so you are just a number.  So yeah, I become disinterested, information overload.

Before I would have all my attention in the Zoom meetings, I would put on my best effort to get dressed put some makeup on, and fix my background, because the camera was on.  But now, I hardly care.  I would turn on the Zoom and keep it on the background and listen to it, but I can go about doing my house chores or other things, even watch my favorite show on my favorite streaming service.  Or interact with my favorite Facebook groups.  “They will send a press release anyway, I can read all about it there.”

Yeah, this is me now.

Can you hear the distress?

I hardly interact with people I used to talk to a lot during the first year.  I have nothing to say.  Same old me. At home paranoid to go out even when almost everyone now is outside trying to live normal.   Some of them haven’t had the vaccine yet but had the audacity to attend physical events and or just “have fun”.  Sorry for judging them, I know that is their own way to cope but a person who thinks he/she will not be a carrier or will not get infected with Covid-19 is such a selfish act.  And then when you get it you go bothering a lot of people for help to survive.

Yeah, I am cold and heartless and tactless.  I say things as they are and people kind of distance themselves from me because of this honesty I have.  I know in a world that is in chaos we all need a little kindness but if we all sugarcoat everything and say it’s alright who would be there to fix was is not really working and see that there’s something really wrong.

I will be the villain you don’t want but need.  I am kinda like Snape who was actually really very protective of Harry Potter, he really loved the boy until his last breath.  He was actually one of those who really cared about him but misjudged because his ways were unconventional and harsh.

Hey Earth, this letter is getting long but all I want to say is you are not alone.  Everyone in this world is feeling this feeling of loss and defeat.   A lot have it more worst than you.  Stay strong, stay true to who you are, and believe that this too shall pass.

Like a favorite cliche you’ve heard so many times “If you don’t have problems, you’re probably dead.”

So yeah, just wing this thing out, it will all be over soon,  You and Tasha are already fully vaccinated.  You can go out from time to time if you want when you want.  I know you don’t want to yet but you could.  Just saying.

Dear self, stay strong, stay busy, try to find all the joys in your stay-at-home life as you did last year for now.  Remember, this too shall pass.

 

Love you lots,

Earth

 

 

Dear Earth,

 

Thank you for that assuring letter.  You have seemed to know how I feel right now.  You nailed it.  I am totally drained and burnt out by the social media life and how I wish I can unplug for a while.  But my work needs social media and I can’t just leave it for a long time or this single mommy and her kid will starve and get thrown out of her home.  I need to work work work work work, to survive.

Yes, I am surviving.

Dear self, surviving is a great word from what I am right now.  I try to continue to live and exist in spite of this difficult and threatening situation.    It is difficult because sometimes, a lot of times even, I feel so alone and lonely.  Then in spite of having my daughter and my cat next to me, I feel that I am alone.  It’s a chilling feeling.  I know I have my jowa far and away from caring and thinking of me,  My mom who in spite of her dementia somewhere deep down her spirit loves us her children, and grandkids with all her heart, that’s why she is still surviving as well.  God, I miss my mother.

I am in tears as I write this.  I have not given myself time to cry because I was taught to never show weakness and crying is a sign of being weak.

I used to be a cry baby up to my 2nd year in high school.  My mother would tell me don’t cry, don’t show the world you are crying, don’t give them the power over you.  Show them you are strong and they don’t affect you.  True enough after my life and death situation in my third year where I experience short-term memory loss.  I have become a new person. My sister told me that too.

There’s no room for tears, only separation can tear me up, the rest are not meant a tear.

Dear self, this year I am more angry than sad.  I am so angry that I care so much, Angry about the incompetence of the people running the country. Angry about the people who are so careless.  I feel like Hulk, always angry!  I honestly want to smash things and people who are so inconsiderate in every little way.

My anger would come across social media as rash and entitled.   Because of that, a lot think I am scary and a lot misunderstood me.   But really inside this Hulk is a Bruce Banner who is calm, scared, thoughtful, and sweet. Hah!

Just recently I made my status in FB wishing for a solid ally who will just be there for me no judgment whatsoever.  I have this feeling that the world is always against me.  I don’t know why but I do.  Maybe because I am becoming a control freak. That if you don’t think or do the way I do or how I want it done I snap.

Anyway, Earth, thank you for always being there for me for talking myself that all these things will pass and that there is a better days ahead.

In my prayers every night I thank God for three beings in my life.

I thank God for my daughter, who makes me work hard so we will have food on our plate and safe and comfortable shelter.  She pulls me out from all the dark feelings and thoughts I have inside.  She makes me kind, caring, thoughtful, loving, and understanding.  The opposite of what a lot of people think I am.

I thank God for Marcus, who in spite of being far far away from me. He is the only one soul right now I talk to every day and every night and every moment we can talk.  He is also one of the main reasons I can’t shut down my FB because the messenger is our biggest form of talking.   He is physically away but he is just here next to me.  I am thankful he loves me even sometimes I get cold or just get quiet.

I thank God for my cat Lux, my Siamese x Persian cat.  Getting a cat was one of the best things I did this year.  Lux even if I said she is a he biologically.  Well, the human I got her from said he was a she and so she is hahahaha!   Anyway, you know what they said about having a pet for emotional support.  Well, it is true.

People think cats are aloof but Lux is the opposite of that.  She is the most affectionate cat I ever had in my entire life.  She likes to sleep on my neck, not really sleep but just hang out on my neck.  She likes being around me being all cuddly sweet and playful.  She makes me laugh. I can watch her all day and feel happy!  All her cat antics and things are just all worth the trouble of getting her (cats are not allowed in my condo, shhhh).   But really, Lux is one of my happiness in life right now and I am glad I am her human.

Hey Earth, thank you for your letter and let me write to you.  This has helped me a lot.  I forgot that writing is my therapy and I haven’t done it in a long while.  Like you said earlier wing it out this will all pass.  Dear self, chill.

We are a survivor, let’s keep on surviving!

 

Love you lots,

Self

 

P.S. dear self, this year I will be modest, I won’t overwhelm myself with too many things like I did last year.  I will only try one new thing and that will be scented candle making because buying them is so expensive!

 

dear self
This story is an entry to ComCo Southeast Asia’s “Write to Ignite Blogging Project Season 2: Dear Survivor”. The initiative continues to respond to the need of our times, as every story comes a long way during this period of crisis. The initiative aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities to inspire the nation to rise and move forward amidst the difficult situation. The “Write to Ignite Blogging Project” Season 2 is made possible by ComCo Southeast Asia, with Eastern Communications and Jobstreet as co-presenters, with AirAsia and Xiaomi as major sponsors, and with Teleperformance as sponsor.